Divorce or quitting my job wouldn't help me, because what's making me unhappy is "this isn't the life I want."

After getting married and having children, I realized that I actually have a very high standard of living that I want to achieve. However, because I made all the choices myself (I wanted to get married and have children more than my husband did), and because my husband is a very good father (we might split childcare duties 60-40), I feel like I can't complain to anyone even if I regret my choices. Ultimately, it's because I didn't see myself clearly earlier, and I didn't have the courage to make different choices at every turning point.

Also, because my husband and I went through the process of "marriage or breakup", we should have split up but I couldn't leave and ended up getting married, so I find it difficult to complain to my friends. It's easy to complain about a boyfriend, but complaining for a while and then getting married and having children makes me feel like if I complain again, others will just say "I told you so."

Divorce or quitting my job wouldn't help me, because what's making me unhappy is "this isn't the life I want." If we separate, the economic pressure of having a mortgage and children will only make our quality of life worse.

As economic pressure increases, I can only save so much, and due to career restrictions and lack of skills, I can't increase my income. You may suggest changing jobs to increase my income, but I wish I had accepted the job offer that my professor introduced to me right after I graduated, instead of working for the government, where the opportunity cost is so high, and the salary is barely enough to survive. I can't even work a part-time job, which makes it much harder to switch careers.

Should I go on a trip? But the freedom and happiness of getting away will only increase my desire to leave everything behind.

In short, the endless regret is completely powerless to change, making me feel trapped. Whenever I see others' happy photos of their successful jobs, fancy restaurants, or traveling as a couple on social media, I wonder why I'm here. I wish I could go back to those moments of life, and choose a different career, a different partner.

I've thought more than once about ending my life. I know I won't really do it, but I just wish there was a way to escape this misery. I don't really want to die, and I won't really die, I just want to stop being in pain. I really wish I could start over somewhere else. That bitter feeling is really palpable.

I actually received free therapy in college and knew the benefits of therapy. But once I entered society, I thought it was too expensive, and finding a good therapist is like finding a needle in a haystack. Both time and money are burdens for me, especially since I have a newborn at home. Besides, I feel like I already have many tools that my therapist taught me before, and I already read a lot about this, so I have always wanted to save myself.

However, ultimately, that feeling of being trapped overwhelmed me. So I asked around everywhere, and in the end, through a stroke of luck, I was very fortunate to avoid the initial trial and error process and find the therapist that I had liked before.

I like the rhythm in the therapy room and the questions she asks me. She always asks questions that make me think for a long time and rethink things. She also gives me many new perspectives on looking at myself, I needed it so much.

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How do you therapy?

In person 1-on-1

 

How did you feel before therapy?

I feel unmotivated and bored about everything. I’m always tired and whenever I have time, I just want to sleep. Even when playing with my child, I often just lie down lazily on the floor. Although I am aware of the changes in my body shape and have concerns about a family history of diabetes, I cannot resist the temptation to eat sweets, starch, and drink coffee. I think that these are the only things in my life that can make me feel happy without causing a financial burden.

 

What did your therapist do?

Just the feeling that there is a place to go can make you feel a lot better.

In the stagnant and helpless state of life, whatever new things and feelings that enters, and having someone who you know can help you, and will help you, is a powerful thing on its own.

One time, my therapist apologized for interrupting me because she knew my time and money were precious. I thought “Of course!” Because that’s exactly why I’m here, for intervention.

Regarding the frequency of my therapy sessions, I am not sure if this is the norm, but I can decide how often I want to attend therapy. It's not regular, like every week or every month, but instead, it's whenever I feel the need to talk to my therapist.

This reduces pressure to go to therapy. Because time and money are a scarcity for me, I have to ask my husband to take care of our child before going to therapy, which creates pressure on me. I also struggle with the cost of therapy, which may not affect my short-term living, but still requires a considerable amount of money.

The freedom is something that my therapist has given me.

Can therapy take you to a new place?

Even when all the objective conditions are the same, I am still trapped in a loveless marriage and a dead-end job, but with the help of therapy, I have some moments when I can come up for air and breathe.

There are even some glimpse of moments, where I can call happiness.

 

How much did your therapy session cost?

NTD. 3000 / equivalent to USD 98

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